Why I don't need your pity I need solutions

It’s a common human reaction, isn't it? To see someone struggling, to witness hardship, and feel that familiar pang in your chest. We call it pity.

We direct it towards the homeless person on the street, or perhaps in a more abstract way, towards victims of distant tragedies. 

But here’s the thing: I don't want it. And if you're truly looking to help, maybe it’s time we all understood why pity isn't what's needed. What's wrong with pity, you might ask? And is it even a virtue anymore? Pity often carries a subtle, yet significant, undertone of "I'm glad that's not me." 

It's an emotional response that acknowledges another's bad situation, but often from a position of detached superiority.

When someone pities you, it can feel demeaning. It can reduce you to your misfortune, rather than seeing you as a whole person capable of resilience and agency. 

Think about the distinction: 

Pity for a Stranger: We might pity a beggar, feeling bad for their situation, perhaps dropping some change. The interaction often ends there. 

It's an acknowledgment of suffering, but not necessarily a genuine desire to engage or empower.

Compassion for a Loved One: When a family member is seriously ill, disabled, or facing a long-term struggle, our reaction isn't usually "pity." It's compassion. This is a far deeper, more empathetic response. It's a feeling with them, a shared sense of humanity that drives us to actively seek ways to help, to support, to be present. 

The key difference? Pity is often passive; compassion is active. 

Consider a doctor. When faced with a patient suffering from a severe medical condition, a good doctor doesn’t pity them. They don't just feel sorry. 

They assess, they diagnose, and most importantly, they act. They bring their knowledge and skills to bear, working to find solutions and alleviate suffering. 

Their focus isn't on the unfortunate situation itself, but on how to change it for the better. Pity, in its raw form, often feels like what we resort to when we can't help, or perhaps, don't know how to help. 

It's a sympathetic sigh, a well-meaning head shake, but rarely does it bring about tangible change. 

So, if you see someone struggling, please understand: I don't need your pity. What I (or anyone facing hardship) truly needs are solutions. 

We need understanding, active support, and a collaborative spirit that says, "How can we work together to make this better?" Let's shift our focus from merely feeling bad for someone to actively working with them.

Let's trade passive pity for proactive compassion. Because in the end, solutions, not just sentiments, are what truly make a difference. 

If I knew what I know now (Freestyle verse)

If I knew what I know now

If I knew what I know now, I’d be ten steps ahead,  

Would’ve walked a different path, left the nonsense for dead.  

Would’ve studied the ledgers, learned the market instead,  

Not just rapping for respect but for generational bread.  

I was young, full of pride, never questioned the game,  

Chased the hype, not the hustle, now I’m shedding the shame.  

I mistook loud applause for a meaningful name,  

When the real ones move in silence, never flexing for fame.  

Should’ve read between the lines, not just rhymed for the sport,  

Would’ve built my own table, not just waited for forks.  

Could’ve learned from the greats, took the knowledge to court,  

Now I’m catching up in overtime, a scholar of thought.  

But regrets don’t pay bills, so I carry the weight,  

Turn my losses into lessons, every error is fate.  

Now I speak to the youth, put ‘em onto the stakes,  

If I knew what I know now, wouldn’t be running so late.  

NOTE TO MY YOUNGER SELF

Note to younger self

On Wednesday the 31st of January 17 , I’m turning 24, I imagine 24 comes with mixed feelings for most people. It doesn’t seem old now that I’m approaching it, but I remember thinking it was...so old. when I was in my pre-teen's.

I forgive myself for thinking 24 was old. I was a dumb kid.

While the time has flown (as time tends to do), if I employ my little baby Introverted Judging process and take a moment to reflect on my past, I realize that much has happened.

I’ve fallen in love twice, both times to my best friends.

The first one should have just been friends, but eventually we figured it out and got it right.

After swearing I’d never date again here i am in a relationship with yet again a former friend

(I guess part of the statement) is true that guys cannot be friends with women.

I left the religion of my youth when I was 23, lost almost everyone that I had ever loved,grew up and accustomed to in the process, and found a tiny embryonic version of me.

I discovered personal development, ego work and psychedelics.

The embryonic little me has grown into someone I could grab a berv with and talk late into the night.

I pass my own litmus test for whether or not I like a person, which is good because I spend an egregious amount of time with myself.

I think back on the first time I went for personal development classes,

I admit I lacked confidence not that I was a pushover but get the this right,

I had applied to be a volunteer educator.

I was honestly testing my luck apart from being qualified with good merits i was terrified of being in the center of attention, so i needed to learn a bit of leadership and hone my soft skills I lacked given my introverted nature.

It was through progressive personal development for the the first time I asked the question

“What life will my 30 year old self want to remember?” 

I realized I had the opportunity to give a gift to my future self by doing everything possible to create that life for him.

My first gift to future me was meeting 'My girlfriend', which altered the trajectory of my life. 

I wish I could take credit for it, but it was a spectacular lottery ticket win for me. 

Sometimes I think it was the hard work I've continuously put  into becoming an amazing human being that could attract another amazing human being😍

but realistically speaking it’s probably just compatible chemical secretions.

I thank her pheromones daily👃.

As I review my life, a combination of self-directed decision making and sheer dumb luck, 

I ask myself if I could go back to that 16 year old what would I tell him?

What gift would I give to my past self?

What jewels will i share with him?

Knowing me, I would keep thinking of  a lot of things as i normally overthink things... 

But if I was forced to  sit down on a bench in a public clinic with my younger self, here’s what I hope he would be ready to receive:

1) Don’t defer your life planning to a distant date in the future. It’s silly to sit back and think, “Ah. I’ve got time. I’m still young. When I get older, I’ll do this , do that when such and such condition is met .”

Whatever you want to do when you’re older, do it today. 

Start that business you’ve always wanted,

Write a book,

Get her number,

Do it now because your life will pass you by.

Today’s it’s here, tomorrow it’s gone. There no a committee sitting in a boardroom planning your life. That’s your responsibility. Stop kicking the can down the road. There’s no nobility in the "Deferred Life Project."

2) That said...it’s not just about what you do; it’s about who you’re becoming. Find a path that allows you to love yourself.

3) Outsource your taxes to others, but not your values and beliefs. Reprogram your mind and don’t take things at face value.

4) You can never want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. I learned that the hard way. So save yourself some sleepless nights: be an example, not the hero.

5) Be kind to everyone. You don’t have to care what people think, but life is smoother if you consider other people's emotions. That said, you’re not responsible for how they feel.

6) Embrace love from others as much as you give it. If someone gives you a genuine compliment, don’t brush it off or ignore it. Embrace it like you would a loved one. It’s okay to feel loved.

7) At a certain point in the process of being brainwashed by the world you will have the self-awareness and skill to take over brainwashing, aka ‘reprogramming’ yourself. Do it. Be true to your own logic, integrity and identity.

People will be upset with you for choosing to be loyal to yourself instead of to them. 

They might not get over it. But still do it. 

You can escape them, but you can’t escape yourself.
No matter where you go, there you are.

Anyway, I’m excited to know what my 30 year old self would tell me. 

I guess I’ll have to wait to find out. 

If time accelerates like it has been, it won’t be long. 

And what about you,fam?

What words of wisdom would you share, 

if you were sitting on a bench with your younger self?